Beyond the Moulds

Beyond all the roles we assume in our lifetime, have you ever wondered who you actually are? And if you think you have discovered your true self, then have you ever wondered why do you still feel that something is missing, you lack that enthusiasm and there is nothing to look forward to the next day. Tune in to hear for yourself how over the years over society has tried to fit us in these moulds and especially we women are trapped in these knowingly and unknowingly. Let's break free, together.

Transcript

Today I want to ask a three-word question to all of you, especially to my women listeners. Who are you? Or, rather ask yourself Who am I? Who am I truly? What’s my true self? Now before you say daughter, mother of two, wife or anything of that sort, please bear in mind that these are just roles that you assume in this course of life and not the true you. So, hit the pause button and think.

 Hello my lovelies, wish you all a happy happy Wednesday. With many of us moving towards the winter season, btw which happens to be my favorite season too, I believe your coffees are brewed hot and strong and you are ready to take the world by storm today. I definitely have planned this because the topic of our discussion is such. 

Towards the end of my last episode I promised I will be speaking about a topic which might help women who are dealing with identity crisis and today I will try and do justice to it as much as I can with relevant examples from my personal journey. As much of my podcast, this topic might refer to women only, but impacts the society at large and other genders have an equal or rather bigger role to play in, so I would request all of you to stay tuned throughout and support our girl tribe.

Few years back, on mother’s day, I and my brother asked our mother about her likes and dislikes when it comes to food and what ensued our question was a shock. She had no clues about it, she thought about her choices really strong but can’t come up with any answers. We were heartbroken and this incident made us think, why a woman who works tirelessly day and night for our happiness, for this family’s sake and knows everything about our needs, wants and wishes, struggles when it comes to recognizing her own. We asked our mother to think about her childhood and what she was fond of and answer us the next morning. Next day after much thought she finally came up with one dish that she loved as a child and then, we began to probe this situation along with her.

 To our understanding problem lied in the way women have been raised in our society. They are raised to be somone’s support system, a caretaker, and basically to be someone’s plus one. All her life while at her parents she has been taught this and when she marries off, this is the only thing which is expected from her, well in most cases, because they function on these age old, rooted system guidelines as well. Well, it’s time to break the slumber.

 You will be surprised to know that not only families, the schools and universities in India, promote this culture too. In my management school, our dean was taking her first lecture and she told us few important things one of which was, “Men are supposed to be the bread winners in family, thus the family cannot function without them and they must earn and have an identity for themselves in life, on the other hand, women’s job is to earn that “extra” cheese slice, which is completely optional and thus they should focus more on supporting men, rather than standing themselves first, because you can survive without cheese but not without bread”. That day “she” offended many girls in our batch, but sadly we didn’t have courage to argue back then.

 Now consider a job profile where the KRAs include:

 1.     Attendance required on 365 days.

2.     24-hour shift.

3.     No sick leaves.

4.     Smart, Responsible.

5.     Clear understanding of everyone’s wishes and, needs.

6.     Must know all the chores. 

7.     Complete household management inclusive of all the members related directly or indirectly to family.

8.     Willing to accept any new additions to the profile.

 Now, imagine the mental well-being of a human who is doing all this and possibly much more which is hard for me to even point out but yet suffer from identity crisis. Where they don’t know who they are, what they want and why aren’t they happy if this is all they are supposed to do?

 The homemakers or housewife or whatever you want to call them are often taken for granted in my country and they are often asked what do you even do the entire day at home? When they ask for money, they are often told, why do you need money when you are at home all day, we are providing for the necessities, what do you want beyond that? This is our hard-earned money and I don’t have surplus of it to spend on your whims and fancies, do you even know how hard it is to earn it? We will discuss your wishes later. And this later never comes and women forget what they actually wanted ever and most often the providers forget that she even needed something. Dismissed again.

 Just like men who earn, just like kids at our homes, our women have their desires too, their needs which gets suppressed over the time, because we push them to an unforeseen LATER. And if their desires are fulfilled in the first time, it’s often made to look like a favor done by some supreme authority for their people, something which should be kept in mind while putting demands next time. Dismissed once more.

 The roles that women presume in their lifetime are those which society wants from them to be fulfilled. Have we ever considered asking them, what do they really want? In India, we are very strict when it comes to tradition. You can often find families, where girls are told not to study too much, don’t achieve too much because then they would be considered as “unfeminine” and no one would marry them and they will remain one step away from their ultimate life goal of giving birth to offsprings.

 Now don’t get me wrong, for some women this must be the life that they want, but for many many women out there this is not what they desire. They are trying to figure out the purpose in their life, they are still trying to figure out what’s more in their life besides from being someone’s wife, mother or daughter. And trust me, it’s not all about earning money, sure many of them want to do so, to feel independent, to not have to answer anyone about anything that they want to have without having to justify it, but for some it is a journey to self-discovery as well, a clearer understanding of their ownselves, what they are good at, what all they can do, pushing their boundaries. Something to look forward to, the next morning besides the monotony of life, something that they do for just themselves not for the sake of it but because they really really want to do it.

 I have met many women, some of my age, some of older age, who despite of living in a happy, loving family feel a sense of emptiness, frustration and are clueless about what is making them feel so. Many of them suffer from depression and have no idea how to cure it. Their loved ones are confused about this situation as well because the person in question is quite not able to put a finger on it. 

 My grand-mother (my mother’s mother) lost her husband 23 years back, her children have grown to be grand-parents themselves and for the past so many years, she is leading a life where she doesn’t have anything to look forward to, she is extremely proud of her children and finds happiness in their happiness, but she has no clue where does her OWN happiness lies? Her whole life has been about her children and her family, while her world remained same, quite naturally her family members developed their own world too and now she struggles. I wonder, how life would have looked for her, if she had an independent world for herself where she would have been enough for herself, external factors would have impacted her but would not have altered her well-being. 

 While on the other hand, my dad’s mother lived a life where she ensured that even if she falls short of satisfying needs of others, she fulfils her own. She needed no one besides herself to do all that she always wanted to, whether it’s about meeting her friends, eating her favorite delicacy, buying her favorite saree or whatever that made her happy. And I am proud of her, we all are. She lived life on her terms, and might I add, she was respected more than many grand-mothers I have ever came across and at home, we believe the reason for this is, she respected her own wishes before she respected others, she was not afraid to ask for her own happiness and that ultimately led to a happy person, happier surroundings. There is a thin line between being selfish and self-love, she struck the perfect balance which I hope, I can attain as well.

 And at times I feel this pressure takes a toll on men too. Our society has made them the bread winners by default, but what if they want to manage house, or they want to pursue some hobby, discover life and not want to settle for something regular. Yet they are forced as well because they must presume this role. I don’t know why as a culture, as a country we are so adamant of fitting our people in these moulds of masculine and feminine which is one of the unspoken causes of dissatisfaction and frustration today.

 Women, like men, are creative beings. Often, the ideas of ‘femininity’ stifle women’s creative side – women are more than just mothers and wives. For many women, a working career is what gives them a sense of being and purpose – an identity that is enriching. It is not easy to say that one thing will suit all women, but one thing may be generalized: that women must be set free to consider what things will make them happy. We have lived long in an environment where we have been conditioned to think of ourselves as just a means to bear off springs which has stifled our personalities and has led to this crisis of our own identities.

 To everyone who is tuned in right now, whatever mould you have been put in, spread your wings, you have been given one life, explore it to your heart’s content and step out of all the what ifs that you might end up asking yourself at a later stage in life. Whether you are 20 or 50, don’t let age define you, get up today and try that one thing which you always wanted but never did or were too afraid to do, maybe that’s what your purpose is. Sit with yourself, meditate, calm yourself and focus on the energy flowing through you. I am sure if not in one go, after few trials and misses you will get there. “Kuch aur na sahi tajurba toh hoga” which translate to, if nothing else you will gain some experience. Travel, Cook, finish that painting which you always wanted to do, apply for that job which you never did, pursue that overseas course which you always longed for. Explore yourself, discover your identity before you settle for anything less.

 Well, this brings us to the end of this episode. I hope I made sense to you. Please share your feedback and suggestions on thescribbledsolace@gmail.com, so that I get a clarity of what I did wrong and where I was right as per your understanding which would definitely help me in enriching my knowledge as well and be mindful of when I speak next. You can also connect with me on Instagram, my profile goes by the name of thescribbledsolace where I post about my poems and any updates about my podcast.

 For my next episode, god gives me courage, I am hoping to talk to you about how life looked in April 2015 when I lost Mr.K. Let’s see if I am able to pull it off. So, don’t forget to cheer for me on next Wednesday and support me like you always do. Now time to say goodbyes, but like always I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, Buzzsprout, iHeartRadio and all major providers out there. And guys, I am waiting to hear about your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and emerge as our own superheroes. You can find my details on Buzzsprout’s website. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.