The Fear Trance

The idea of forever happiness and a constant smile across your face is tad too dramatic. With light comes night and with happiness comes sadness as well. The key is to snap out of this trance and stay on the track. Tune in to hear me talk about my fears right from when I was young to till date and my journey with them so far.

Transcript

We all are gripped with one or many fears. As much as we try to live in the present and, no matter how hard we try to live by one day at a time, we all are bound to have that one gloomy day when it becomes difficult to look beyond all these fears and it feels as if our lives are spiraling out of control, we are sinking in a black hole and this feeling as we all know is at times petrifying.

 Now don’t get all tensed up, we will work this out together, here and now, with your host Shefali, on this podcast Ranting and Relieving where we don’t hesitate to talk about our feelings, discuss illogical stuff forced upon us and anything or everything that makes us wonder. So, a warm welcome to all of my listeners out there. I believe your Wednesday started on a great note and something tells me you are absolutely going to rock it. For those having a hard day already, allow me to add some sparkles to it. Chin up, you got this!

 This episode is really huge for me. You all know how difficult it is to admit to your insecurities or your fears or that one mistake which you dread. And I am going to admit one of my biggest fear in front of you all, that strangles me once in a while and leaves me stupefied. I have outgrown many insecurities in this short span of my life, from being called “kaali” which translates to dark skinned in a country known for brown people, to being brutally body shamed for not fitting in and much more, all this while I was growing up. This made me believe that I am not good enough and, something is seriously wrong with me, which can never be corrected ever. No matter how much my parents tried to counsel me, I got too insecure of getting my pictures clicked, of how certain colors do not “suit” my skin tone, I fell victim to crazy crash diets, and I was made to believe how I would be lucky to have any marriage proposals at all. From my stretch marks, to my bruises every second thing was wrong with me and I was at the mercy of this ruthless world, who at a very young age made me extremely insecure about my own self and it definitely left a mark on my life which sometimes, still haunts me. Truth be told, I am still very skeptical about my pictures being clicked and I am not very fond of it either.

 As a result, I often ended up taking certain decisions which caused severe casualties to me and my family included. But all that’s in the past. Gladly I didn’t change a bit and Mr. K accepted me with wide open warms with no conditions of altering me a bit and boy did I bloom after that. Every little thing that I know and love about myself is nothing, but all that I have read in his eyes. I sometimes can’t believe the transition myself. That man has significantly altered my life and only for better. Yet the reason for my newest fear comes from Mr.K himself!

 Somewhere around mid 2018, I knew I was now ready to welcome love in my life.  I was ready to break the walls that I had built around me and was ready to give it all, once again to someone special. Now while I was ready, I didn’t know if the world was ready for me or not. In this timeframe of 2015-2018, all I heard were excuses, some excused in my marital status, some excused in the stigma around it, for some I was too choosy and what not, so during that time I developed this fear of, “not being good enough”. I lived with this fear for 3 years of my life. I started finding flaws in myself all over again and I believed in how the world is right and I am no more than a pity piece. Sad, right? I guess this is not something very hard for you guys to relate as well. Many a times in our life we undermine ourselves and end up thinking we are not good enough and find ourselves in a clueless state of mind. Dark place. 

 So when I broke out of my shell in 2018, I decided that may be these arrange marriage alliances work this way but what if I happen to meet someone all by myself. I decided to take charge of my own life once again and downloaded some online dating apps. While I was not looking for marriage on a dating app, I was surely looking for someone interesting who will be ok to date exclusively once we find each other compatible.

 I thought that educated, sensible men will think beyond my marital status and look at me as an individual. So, I found three interesting men on apps and started interacting with them on WhatsApp. I decided to meet with two of them, one was a surgeon and the other one was in IT. I was certain that before meeting them in person, I would tell them about my past because of one reason I wanted to know if this would be a deal breaker for them too as it had been for others before moving forward. The IT guy was really nice about it and thankfully looked above it. But sadly, I didn’t find him as someone I can date, so that was that. 

 The other surgeon guy seemed quite off when I told him about it or more like he couldn’t care less, though he was nice to meet in person. We started chatting frequently and, met 4-5 times and he used to reach out on his end as well to plan and meet. So, I decided to ask him if he is on the same page with me or not, as in what are his expectations from us? And guess what, apparently, I was amazing enough to have a fling with, to fool around with, but not anything serious because for his family, my marital status would be a problem if at all we move forward. Excuse or truth, I don’t know, but hurtful for sure. The third guy, an extremely successful entrepreneur with multiple startups in his name, altogether dropped the idea to meet me once I told him about my past. So, there goes the apps as well!

 This didn’t help me with my fears. At times I am so scared that what if I never ever find someone, someone who will not find excuses in my pain but would embrace me the way I am. Because truth be told, somedays I am enough for myself but on somedays I need a companion to be with, to share my ups and downs with. All my friends, family, everyone around me are getting busy with their own lives which is perfectly understandable and I am happy for them. But I need someone who will be there for me and for whom I will be there at almost all times. Solo trips, solo dates are fine but now I long for companionship as well, something which you cannot experience from friends and family. They are supposed to get on with their lives and they get busy while doing so. I want to come back to someone who will never be busy enough for me and likewise.

 Usually I talk myself through it, but I have my moments. I get scared, I am terrified of all the what ifs that surround me. People around me refer to me as Ms. Sunshine but this sunshine has her ecliptic moments as well. 

 My mother always tells me that the society we live in, cannot be changed in a day. It’s a long process and we can only hope that two generations down the line it gets changed. So, either be brave enough if you want to live on your own terms or play the victim card and succumb to it. Choose for yourself. And I choose bravery.

The only thing that helps me through is the belief that I was given everything, then I was robbed of everything, so it must be a part of bigger plan. I need to have faith and patience. I have been put through this test, because I am capable of surviving this and rising above it. If someone is meant for me, then we will meet, but I have to trust the timing. And, if I look at past 5 years, I have done exceptionally well. The person I was in 2015 has come a loooong way to become what I am today. And that is a big enough reason for me to feel happy about. 

 So the reason I shared this with all of you is no matter how much positive you are, how much happy thoughts you have, your fears and inhibitions will pull you down but remember to bounce back from them. Choose your happy bright self, choose your faith over that black hole that opens wide once the fear crawls in. Look at your journey and feel proud of the miles that you have travelled. Don’t let that poof off, EVER. You have crossed so many hurdles, have fallen and risen so many times, that you are worthy of every happiness in this world and you will get it at the exact right time in the exact right moment. Have faith in yourself. Take your chances, test the waters, yes, we are scared of falling but what if we will learn to fly high. Don’t live in what ifs and go all out and play your best shot on every ball that life throws at you. Dad always say, will you stop walking merely due to the fear of falling? You fall, because you walk and you must walk AGAIN because you fell.

 I am no expert, but from my experience I can say that whenever fear grips you, just ask yourself, is this the best you can do? Whenever you are scared, turn to your happy place, do that one thing which calms you, art, music, dance, walk, exercise, whatever it is, but pull yourself out, because no one can do it best for you like you can do it for yourself.

 Awhhh.. Boy, I feel relieved! Once again it is proved, that talking it out does work like magic. Now as I shared my fears with you, so can you guys. You all can write to me at thescribbledsolace@gmail.com with your fears and what ifs, I am sure you will feel relived because taking it off your chest does make you feel light.

 For my next episode, I am trying to work on a topic which might help women everywhere who are fighting from identity crisis. Let’s see how much justice I can do to it. So, don’t forget to meet me again on next Wednesday. Now time to say goodbyes, but like always I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, Buzzsprout, iHeartRadio and all major providers out there. And guys, I am waiting to hear about your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and emerge as our own superheroes. You can find my details on Buzzsprout’s website. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.