No Permits Needed

When it's your life, your mind, your body and your soul, then why we seek permissions from others? Why do we need permissions and when did it become normal to do so? Tune in, to hear me talk more about this, how it began and how it can be ended.

Transcript

Whoever made the rules for men to take charge must have been afraid of how to handle a woman so fierce, who speaks out her heart and mind, loud and clear.  

Hello, you guys, I believe all of you have been good and are doing really really great. As promised in last episode, here I am, your host Shefali, on my very own podcast Ranting and Relieving sharing my piece of mind on this really sensitive topic, Permissions! Permissions which we, all people included, do not need, yet we are supposed to take. Ummmm, is it really power if you derive it from making others powerless? I mean, what good is that? What do you think?

The constitution of India has given seven fundamental rights to every national of this country irrespective of their social status, caste or gender. Irrespective of the diversities that you can find in my country, this is something that is common to all of us. Something given to each one of us along with all this pollution, traffic, discrimination and chaos that we are surrounded with, as soon as we are out of our mother’s womb.

Then who said I and you need permissions from someone else out there, and dictate that something given to me as my birthright is no longer valid. Who?

You will meet a certain set of people in your life, who are living just to tell you what you should do, how you should do and when you should do, when they are completely clueless about their own lives. At times I think, they do so, because they don’t have control over their own lives, and they think, let me make her or him my puppet and then atleast, I will have power over someone else and that’s the closest they can ever get to feel good about themselves. 

My country is trapped in the shackles of patriarchy for so long, they fear the rise of women, they fear that how is it possible that someone who has been oppressed for ages can have the courage to break free and soar high. This practice is so dated and you cannot even comprehend the depth of its roots. This entire system is so ingrained in our system that we girls find it absolutely normal when our fathers, our brothers, our husbands and at times even our son dictates our lives. We are completely ok if what we desire, what we want to do is objected not because it is not good for us but because they just don’t want us to do it for no reasons given whatsoever. Their NO must be considered ENOUGH at all times. I guess, ENOUGH of this CRAP now!

I remember when we received the proposal of Mr.K’s family, even I asked will they let me wear western clothes, will they let me work post marriage and to me and to everyone around me these were just basic set of questions. In this country, every few seconds, dreams of million girls, their wishes are being crushed without fail. When it comes to marriages, they only look at how good the boy is, how good the family is and even if they don’t “allow” their daughter to do certain things, then it’s a very small cost to pay and no fuss should be made about it. While he has been living like this since he was a kid is perfectly normal for a boy and his family to say, the same is utter nonsense when spoken by a girl or her family.

When I met Mr.K in 2012, during our first meeting he very clearly told me, I need someone who has her own thinking, her own mindset, someone who has the guts to tell me that I am wrong here and is actually a partner in my life and not some wife who is just good enough to offer me a glass of water after work. He was very particular about this. Mr.K indeed came as fresh breeze of air. As much as I was happy to hear all this, this shook my foundation as well and that day I questioned myself, why was I ok with the fact that I need permission for every single step I take after I get married. Why did it sound OK, that a girl can meet her own parents if her in-laws allowed her? Why did it sound OK, that all my life my parents never forced anything on me and always insisted that I must follow my heart and now I was ready to give all that up? Few years later I realized the reason is for ages women have operated on these lines, my mother, my mother’s mother and her mother and so on, all have been victims of this patriarchy and this has been further passed on to us now. 

What are the costs that we are ready to pay while we step into next chapter of our lives? Then there are millions of girls in my country who are paying this tax since the day they were born. They are deprived of education, of any say in the family, deprived of even speaking out what they want, they are silenced when they are raped due to the ill that might bring to family’s name and they are never given justice which is the least we can do. Girls here need permission for every breathe they take but may I ask, who they even are to give us permissions? And, why do we even need permissions? Why are they so scared of us? When the universe is designed for both Adam and Eve, then why do they clip Eve’s wings while the Adam is set to soar to his heart’s content.

All this said, let me clarify one thing to all of those who are listening. As a gender we do not have any problem with other genders doing well or even exceeding us when they are at it. The problem lies in depriving US of all that we can do. The problem lies in VALIDATING this permission seeking process while denying us of any rights. The problem lies in carving a PUPPET out of living and breathing human being who has been sentenced a prison of lifetime the day she came into existence and yet cannot be tortured enough.

In the year 2015, after few months of Mr.K’s demise, some relatives found me a prospect for marriage. Let’s leave other furious incidents of this dreadful meeting aside and talk about boy’s family’s attitude towards my work life and please note I work from home and I didn’t deny to do any house chores needed from me. So, his mother enquired about my work and asked are you ready to leave your work if needed? I am ready to but only if I am unable to balance my work and family life, family life will be my first priority, I replied. She further prodded, ”Ok, but what if the boy’s father or boy himself asks you to leave your work for no reason whatsoever, then what will you do?” No, I won’t do it then, I replied. She was shocked as she found me rude. My mother was sitting across and she supported me, she also replied that she will need a strong reason to leave her work but at no cost she will drop it just like that. The boy’s mother had the shock of her life. I swear. And as you know by now, both of us are saved from setting our foot into something we don’t want.

I believe as fellow human beings, as friends, as siblings, as partners and even as parents, we must share our opinions with others, we must discuss about how we feel, discuss the pros and cons of what they want to do, talk about your aspiration and their aspiration but we must not restrict them, we must not consider ourselves as some supreme authority over others whose directions must be adhered to and failing it will have some life altering implications. All of us have been given one life, and we must help each other to make the most of it, we should consider other’s opinions but we MUST do what our heart says. Imagine yourself at a later age in your life or in your afterlife thinking, only if I hadn’t listened to him or her and did what I wanted to. Only if I didn’t let anyone else PERMIT me. 

And those who take stride in handing out permission letters, grow up, we don’t need you or your permissions at least. Each one of us have unique capabilities, individual thought process, unique mindset and we will not be in sync with everyone at all times and that’s perfectly OK. My dad always said, grow in life, succeed in life but the mantra is to follow your heart and not by dismissing the presence of someone who is doing better than you. You must learn from them but never try to obstruct them. You have sown your seeds and nurture it with your passion and love, give it time and it will bloom. Cutting other’s roots or creating obstruction for others might bring momentarily happiness but it’s not everlasting. 

While growing yourself, empower others and share the privileges that you have. There is no joy in robbing others from their rights while it’s an absolute pleasure to grow along with them. It’s time this age-old patriarchy decides what does it want? Does it still want to live in our fear or want to grow with us? Because nothing can STOP us now. We chose to brainstorm and look deep in our hearts instead of looking at other people’s faces and succumbing to whatever “blessing” they bestow upon us. Dear Patriarchy, choose what you want because you can’t stop us now. No way!

Dear girls, the day you realize your true potential, the day you realize that the only permission you need must come from your own conscious, your own mind, your own heart, that day will be the true dawn of you and those millions of girls looking at you. With this podcast, I aim to bring that awakening in all of you and I really hope that with your support I will be successful in doing so.

So, what are your thoughts on this? What are the challenges that you faced? Do you know someone who has been the victim of patriarchy? Well, feel free to reach me on my Instagram handle - thescribbledsolace that I use to post my poems and any update about my podcast. You can also drop a mail at thescribbledsolace@gmail.com. 

In the next episode you will hear me talking about one of the many fears that have gripped me ever since Mr.K left me. I try to look beyond that, but still. May be talking to you guys will help me with that. So, don’t forget to meet me again on next Wednesday. Now time to say goodbyes, but like always I have one request guys, if you liked me, liked this episode, then do subscribe, rate and review Ranting and Relieving. Podcasts heavily rely on word of mouth, so do share it with your friends, family, colleagues and anybody you know. Help them discover this podcast on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, Buzzsprout, iHeartRadio and all major providers out there. And guys, I am waiting to hear about your stories, so do write in, share your journey and let’s be an inspiration to each other and emerge as our own superheroes. You can find my details on Buzzsprout’s website. Lastly, keep listening to Ranting and Relieving, pls pls pls, subscribe, rate, review and most importantly stay tuned. This is me Shefali signing off, until next time.